at a fancy schmancy restaurant with my mom, one of my mom's friends, and her daughter:

waiter: *puts a salad in front of my mom*
mom: thanks...
waiter *gets about 2 steps away from the table*
mom: *loudly* damn, he smells good!
me: good lord woman, indoor voice!
mom: *still loudly* it must be because of all those manhattans i drank waiting for you guys to get to the restaurant. seriously though, that is some good smelling cologne that man is wearing
me: *puts head on table*
mom: *still loudly* oh, marion, you want me to stop talking so loudly so that i stop embarassing you. well, i'll stop talking loudly. *note: still loud* i need to eat this salad so i have something to absorb my drink with. seriously, do you smell that? that man smelled amazing!
me: *head still on table, now shaking it back and forth*

and later

mom's friend: do you want to start taking belly dancing lessons
mom: it could be fun!
mom's friend: *whispers* or, if you want, we could take pole dancing lessons..
me: *aghast*
mom's friend's daughter: *laughing her ass off*
mom's friend: and then you could install a pole in your bedroom
mom: oh come on, you know i can't move like that anymore
me: *head buried in hands*