Why I have HAD IT with apartment hunting

ABOUT THE PLACE
Cozy: Cramped
Spacious: Cramped
Furnished: Last guy left all his shit here
Unfurnished: I hope you have measuring spoons and a toilet brush, because I don't
Must be ok with pets: The place smells like pee
Sunny: Has window
Historic / charming / a great value: The ceiling leaks and we have mice
Convenient to Harvard Square: In Allston
Convenient to Davis Square: In Winter Hill
Convenient to public transport: There is one bus line several blocks away, but it doesn't run on weekends
On the Red Line: Definitely not in Cambridge or Somerville, or you'd say that instead
Quiet neighborhood: If you talk on the porch, the yuppies will glare at you disapprovingly
Vibrant neighborhood: Neighbor stubbornly blasts tinny music from his home country at 3am
Street parking available with Cambridge sticker: Good luck with that
Laundry in apartment: Washing machine is in the kitchen propped up on cinderblocks
Porch great for barbequing: Please barbeque for us

ABOUT US
I am open-minded: I have to try REALLY hard to be open-minded
420 friendly: We are so baked while we are writing this
We like movies: We are lazy
We like wine: We are not from around here
We like the Sox: We are definitely not from around here, or we wouldn't feel the need to mention this
Athletic: We get up early and are always in the shower
Laid-back: We probably won't speak to you

ABOUT YOU
Environmentally-minded: We always forget which day is recycling day, so we hope you remember
Drama-free: We don't care how your day was
Interesting: We're bored
Has an active social life: Can you hook us up with some hot girls?
(insert lengthy description here): You are moving into OUR apartment and don't you forget it