"i guess i just don't understand male-male sibling relationships since i don't have brothers. but yeah, my guy cousins call each other names like 'dickface' and 'ballsack.'"

"ballsack? as in scrotum?"

"yeah."

"i cut open a scrotum! actually i didn't cut it...i peeked inside a scrotum!"

--me and feilin talking about fraternal culture and anatomy lab

3-year-old girl: Daddy, is it alright to say no?
Father: Honey, it is ALWAYS alright to say no.
3-year-old girl: It's always alright to say no? Even to grownups and boys?
Father: That's right, honey.
3-year-old girl: Okay! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Father, to me: I walked right into that one, didn't I.

-- Red Line

"If the girls are hot, they call it stripping. If they're ugly, they have to call it art." – Liz W. on burlesque, which is apparently the hot new hipster trend

DTMFA

Walgreens customer:

He's had one job his entire adult life. He's 29 and he's only ever worked for six months . . .

Walgreens employee:

My baby's fourteen and working. I know he can get a job!

I think this is how Lindsay Lohan got her start

Clearly my mom has been hanging around too long with the likes of me, which has raised her to new heights of inappropriateness.

 

Scenes from the Vacation of Kate and Momma

 

Saturday night, 7 pm: "Let's just have a glass of wine at the hotel and then we'll go get food."

 

9:30: Leave to get food. Discussion of which celebrities we would sleep with. Both can agree on Bill Clinton. My choice of Bob Dylan is hooted down.

 

10:30: "Mom, I don't think you're supposed to eat the banana leaves the fish is wrapped in." 

"But they taste like pot!" 

 

Sunday evening: See Avenue Q.

 

Monday morning: Exiting a candy store on the Lower East Side.

K: Oh look! Babeland. Speaking of tourist destinations.

M: Let's go there! Oh darn. It's closed.

 

 

masculine condescension aka "is he for real?"

me (trying to make small talk): you're from montreal? a friend of mine from there says everyone's really well-dressed there.

guy: yeah! especially the women. even when it's 30 degrees outside, they're wearing mini-skirts. waiting in line for clubs, i really feel for them.

me: damn, that's dedication.

guy: i mean, i appreciate it, since they're doing it for us.

me: oh, really? for you men?

guy: totally, i mean, it's not like they're doing it for themselves.

me: maybe they're doing it for other girls, like girls they're dating for instance.

guy: yeah whatever. i'm cool with that lesbian stuff, but if a guy is gay, that's just wrong.

Oh, I have no illusions

I don't want to say anything about mandatory visits, because our friendship is democratic, as far as you know anyway--Laura

E. coli in the water and dudes on the land

Overheard at the beach, from a group of dudes standing around and talking loud:

 

I haven't had a blow job in six months. I keep asking and she keeps saying fuckin' no.

(later)

My salary is $28,000 a year.

* * *

I shave my balls. Dude, it's great. I've got a fuckin' ventilation system going.

* * *

I used to fuck her in the ass all the time.
Dude, what happened?
After college she got all self-empowered and shit.

Now I know what it feels like to be a parent.

Robin: So, guess what "job" Ben eventually found?
Me: ...
Robin: Sperm donor.

[later]

Robin: And so guess what job I applied for?
Me: I thought you already had a job.
Robin: I'll give you a hint: it makes me and Ben the perfect couple.
Me:...
Robin: Nude model.