Desperation: the best advertising technique

"Come in to eat or we'll both starve"

--text of an advertisement for a local fast-food restaurant

Wrongheaded direct email marketing

Dear Kate W***:

If you are in the market for a gorgeous lakefront or lake access
homesite on Georgia's spectacular 70,000-acre Lake Strom Thurmond,
then you will want to give us a call.

we obviously don't get out much

"we were thinking about you and then i was saying, we really need to milk those [looks at my boobs]. i meant, for drinks!...uh, i meant, for alcohol!" - a friend at school

Freudian Slips and Academic Snobbery

"I mean, I wouldn't want to drop down to Gov." ::shudders::
-Egon, talking about the esteemed Social Studies concentrator's options for not finishing one's thesis

I have to put up with something [insert here] everyday

"Are you the surgical consult? Oh no, I'm sorry. Ahahahahaha...!"

-Nurse, to me, while I was looking at a patient's chart last week.

Not in my presence, but still, WTF?

Douchebag [using another medstudent as prop] : "Ok, R., lean forward. I'm gonna come in closer. No homo though, ha ha ha..."

-This kid in my class talking to an *attending physician* at a medicine meeting, with like, 7 other medstudents present.

friday lectures get punchy

verbatim:

professor: *waxing on about the mutation of colorblindness* and it's a totally normal effect in about 5-8% of the male population
student: *raises hand* yeah, i'm colorblind and i can't discern between the two lines
professor: ok, that's totally normal - you'll still be able to reproduce prob...prob...without any problem. that is, you'll propagate the defect on to your grandkids.
*rest of class is dying laughing*
student: i already have a daughter!
professor: i see you've already passed it on then.

Never Meant to Be

February 12, 2007 -- THERE ain't no mountain, or price, high enough for clients of Rhonda Ross, the daughter of Diana Ross and Motown honcho Berry Gordy, who's supplementing her income as a Manhattan real estate broker. The 35-year-old singer/actress - the inspiration of her mother's hit song "Love Child" who was nominated for a Daytime Emmy for her role in "Another World" - has employed her talents to hawk apartments, according to The Real Deal real estate magazine. A quick check of her listings at Citi Habitats includes a five-bedroom duplex rental on the Upper West Side for $16,000 a month and a one-bedroom in Harlem with a monthly price tag of $1,900. When she's not showing properties, Ross continues to sing. We hope she remembers to bring her BlackBerry along.

That's sort of a sucky thing to be remembered for: I was my mother's inspiration for a song that's about a child that never should have been born. Did I mention I was scorned by society? Take a look at me, guys!

Well, I *guess* that's better

Phillip: but well laura never hang out with mikey or me
so tell her she's on my black list
entry #372
she officially will be seated next to the kitchen at the back of the tent at our wedding
  Phillip: : P
me: where do I get to sit?
Phillip: next to karen
duh!

An even worse inadvertent insult

You should look for somebody else with a service dog. Dude! A blind guy! You should date a blind guy! -- me, to Anne

The inadvertent insult machine is in good working order

Me: Wow, you have tiny handwriting! You should totally be one of those guys who writes your name on a grain of rice.
Andrew: Um, or a surgeon.
Me: Right. A surgeon. Sorry.

Oh Mike...

"Thank you for your support!"

-What Mikey wrote on my facebook wall, after I'd suggested that he post on my wall because he's never done so. Judging from the message, it would seem that I've donated to his charity or got him elected to something. great.

Frat-boy Manicheism; or, I'm the first one

He was like, "It never would have worked out anyway." He said I was like a pretty girl trapped in a nerd's body, or something. --Jennie

 . . . A nerd trapped in a pretty girl's body? --me

Yeah, that's right. --Jennie

 

Also a classic

"If you were a Spice Girl, you'd be Old Spice." -- my brother, to my mom

He swears he didn't mean it as an insult

"Hm? Sorry... sometimes my mouth and my brain don't go at the same speed." -- me
"Well, let's at least hope your brain is going faster." -- Ben

ouch...

Phil, to Mike : "....moving you while you sleep is like trying to move a dead whale."

-because mikey wanted it posted