"i just don't understand jamie lynn spears. i mean, she's probably making, like, $10,000 per episode, and then she goes and gets pregnant! come on! hasn't she ever heard of birth control??"
- my professor's eleven-year-old son, venting his frustration as regards to the cancellation of "Zoey 101"
"my fingers were inside her and then all of a sudden she started talking to me about the best way to find her ovaries - and she was talking and talking about stuff for like 3 minutes and i was like 'should i pull my fingers out her vagina?' because it felt relatively awkward to be talking to someone and handling them like a hand puppet."
a friend, commenting on her first female pelvic exam
"Every girl should have a slutty bra. I have to go shopping for one now."
- a certain former 06 leverite
p.s. kate, you in particular would find this funny.
"Alright. one site in the body where, um, high density of staph can be released and toxins can be produced is in the, um, in the case of women that are wearing super-absorbent tampons. this graph illustrates the epidemiology curve of toxic shock syndrome. When the "Rely" tampons were introduced, they were super-absorbent. That changed the milieu of the, uh, um, uh.....um....the vah-...the vag-...what do you call it...the vagina, right? what is the word? that's where you put tampons, right? aaaaahh....i'm a microbiologist!"
- my female microbio professor
"My mom has absolutely no respect for me and my privacy. A few weeks ago, she wanted to borrow a hat that I gave her a long time ago to keep because I look stupid in it, but she didn't believe me when I said it was in her room. She then decided that it was OK to go into my room and look for it. The second my mom walked through my door, I thought 'I hope she doesn't find my vibrator'. That woman took an ENTIRE HOUR going through every drawer in my room, and then I realized that I should help her out to make sure she avoids That Particular Drawer. So I went into my room and said 'Mom, let me help you out and check these drawers', and she immediately knew something was up. She refused to let me help, and then she opened the drawer to the nightstand next to my bed. She pulled my vibrator out of the drawer and said, "What is this?" Let me remind you that my vibrator doesn't look like an ordinary dildo because it doesn't penetrate. So I took a moment and replied, "A neck massager." "Oh yeah, then, how does it work." So I turned it on, and put it on my neck, and massaged my neck with my own vibrator. I think she knows that it's not a neck massager, but she can't confirm or deny any of her suspicions, so she hasn't brought it up since. I just thought you should know that my mom's hands have been all over my vibrator."
- A friend from home, age 23, telling me how her week had been going
Jamie: "Paul, it looks like you're quite the ladies' man today. You've got four girls around you right now."
Paul: "It's a slow day."
the best part was that one of the girls was Alice.
Me: Oh my god, I get to meet Scarlett Johansson tomorrow!
Dad: Seriously? That's incredible!
Me: Well, I get to go along with a production crew, so not exactly MEET her, but...
Dad: Wow. Just... wow. It's really something that Harvard finally has a woman president.
Me: No, Dad, Scarlett Johansson.
Dad: She's the new president of Harvard, right?
Me: NO. She was in, oh my god, Scoop, Match Point, Girl with a Pearl Earring...
Dad: Oh, some movie star.
Me: (gives up)
