"...and so I was saying to him---WHOA, there's a dog in my apartment! And it's not a dog I've ever seen before. Hang on a second. [In background, shouting]: CHRIS, WHY IS THERE A DOG IN THE APARTMENT?!"

--The O.A.

Vmail prompt fit for a queen

Subtitle: Never let your grandsons program your phone

"Hey wassup!"
"This is Liz. Sorry I'm away from the throne."
"For a hotline to Philip, press one. For Charles, press two,"
"And for the corgis, press three."


Original story

"Now, I mean this in a vigorous, positive, life-affirming way: (long pause) he is an UNUSUAL animal." -- C. Shap., discussing Anne's dog

An even worse inadvertent insult

You should look for somebody else with a service dog. Dude! A blind guy! You should date a blind guy! -- me, to Anne

Dog training digest: in which the interested public means well, but...

Jean: Why you washing the pillow?
Me: The dog piddled on it.
Jean: Hm. (gives me new pillow, to his credit)
-- (5 minutes later) --
Jean: Why you washing the comforter?
Me: The dog piddled on it.
Jean: Hm.
-- (5 minutes later) --
Jean: Why you throw that rug away? The dog, he wet on the rug?
Me: Yeah...
Jean: You tell the dog he no can wet inside. You need to train the dog. Dog, he must wet outside. That is what you tell him. If he wet inside, you tell him bad dog, no wet inside, must wet outside. It is not good, that the dog wet inside.
Me: We're trying...
Jean: You tell dog etc. etc. etc.
-- (fade to black) --

Proof that I currently have the most unusual living arrangement of any of us

"Ah, ah, don't chew the dragon." -- Anne, to Leap

out of patience

Patience, come! Patience! Come! PATIENCE COME! Gooooood giiiiiiiirl! PATIENCE COME! PATIIIIIEEEEENNNNCE! COOOOOOOOOME HERE! NOW! Gooooood giiiiiiiirl!

--repeated several times daily at the top of my neighbor's voice. Why she cannot buy a leash for this dog named Patience I don't know, but I'm ready to scream.

2x the quotes, 2x the fun

"you know, everytime i hear the song 'A Whole New World', i can't help but thinking that Aladdin and Jasmine are singing about a whole new world of unexplored sexual horizons"
-...

and

after i posted a lev-open email asking for a fortune cookie:
"i don't have one, but last time i went to the kong i got one that said
'Life is like a dog-sled race. If you're not the lead dog, the view never
changes.' there's nothing like being told your life is like a dog's ass. in your face. all the time."
-fran