"I'm third in line, so I'm like the Nancy Pelosi of Fusion."
"Well, I talk to other groups, so I'm like Condoleezza Rice."
"So you mean you're a gap-toothed traitor to your race?"

now that I'm on the psych ward...

"So now what the hell am I supposed to write for an assessment? "Assessment: patient is [scribbling in air] BAT SHIT C.R.A.Z.Y.?"

-a friend, on his morning interview with a selective mute patient with psychotic features.

-----------------
"Can you speak English?"
"Yes. I can. Do you need help?"
"No, like,um, you speak English?"
"I'm, urr, speaking it right now. Is there anything I can help you with?"
"So, um, like, are you Asian? Chinese? Japanese? Korean...."
"I'm Vietnamese. but what can I help you with?"
"Oh, um, are you a doctor?"
"No, I'm a medical student."
"Oh. Ooooh! Nevermind then."

My conversation with a paranoid schizophrenic this morning.

::yawn:: Another day, another derogatory term for Asians

Is the word "chink" in vogue again? I've been called it twice this week...

"i mean...lets face it...u rarly have sex, and its not becuase you dont want it, its becuase you are short and a chink."

- Comment from a bitter ex-hookup (who apparently never learned how to spell or punctuate)

An e-mail from my creepy schizophrenic stalker

I am not joking, I am going to report you to the federal bureau of investigation for torturing me at night with your fucking faggot transgender investigative perverted disneyland freak methods. I am not joking, this has gone tooooooooooooooooooooo far, you punk. I am not joking, start from the beginning, when you decided to let yourself in to investigating the FAA family. You might die if you don't stop. How can your small penis, be the reason for so much bloodshed. I caught your chink ass and you might die if you dont' start fessing up to your fucking terrorist sins, you fucking Chinese Tawainese mole! You go down shady like all the people who died in those plane crashes because you wont' stop stepping it down. STEP IT DOWN. STOP TORTURING ME! STOP! I am not joking, I've got my black eye documented off of the peaceful phone call I fucking sent you. Don't you fucking forget, I am going to find the Taiwanese mafia here and show THEM ALL OF THE EMAILS THAT YOU FUCKING IGNORED WHEN YOU COULD HAVE SAVED YOUR OWN ASSSSSSSSSSS!!

STop, stopp stop, you fucking CHINK! ANd start fessing up instead of torturing me every night, you quaint done assunder stroller boy victim! You go down, I am going to ruin your favorite cover job, tomorrrow morn! GO AHEAD AND TRY TO TORTURE ME TONIGHT YOU FUCKING PRICK! STEPPPPPPPPP IT DOWN!

No more crashes, no more torturing, I CAUGHT YOUR ASS!

well, honesty is the best policy

"Why did I get a C?"
"Because your paper sucks!"

--Kamila, summarizing her discussions with her students

Dept. of Leverett House Jingoism

"I just remember a vague feeling that there was something better out there." -- Lauren, on living in Winthrop House as an undergraduate

It’s Poland and the rich Jews again.

-- rejection from Knopf to Isaac Bashevis Singer

masculine condescension aka "is he for real?"

me (trying to make small talk): you're from montreal? a friend of mine from there says everyone's really well-dressed there.

guy: yeah! especially the women. even when it's 30 degrees outside, they're wearing mini-skirts. waiting in line for clubs, i really feel for them.

me: damn, that's dedication.

guy: i mean, i appreciate it, since they're doing it for us.

me: oh, really? for you men?

guy: totally, i mean, it's not like they're doing it for themselves.

me: maybe they're doing it for other girls, like girls they're dating for instance.

guy: yeah whatever. i'm cool with that lesbian stuff, but if a guy is gay, that's just wrong.

Gay times...

A haiku my gay friend wrote for my lesbian friend:

Your arms are hairy.
You look like a lumberjack.
You're a lesbian.

One from the Vault

Gotta hand poop to him!
--Christie, in response to "Gotta hand it to him"

More tales from the bar...

Weird guy at bar: "So, since you're so short, do people automatically assume that you're a bottom?"
Me: "Ummmmmm... well, no."
Weird guy: "Well, I mean, have you ever seen a chihuahua top a doberman?"
Me: [Silence][thinking to self: Did he just call me a chihuahua?]

Wow, what a douchebag...

Me: "Um, maybe not tonight, but I'm sure I'll see you sometime soon."
Jerk who keeps hitting on me but won't get any because he's a major asshole: "Don't flatter yourself."

"The bacterial Gram-staining technique was created by Hans Christian Gram, back when he was still a medical student- not even yet a doctor. This technique is so sound that it is still used today. So I want each of you to go home and ponder, 'What the hell have I done to better clinical medicine?'...and then get to work."
- Infectious Diseases professor

all in a spoken word workshop

"Get off your computer! Seriously, you just went from 'Host' to 'Ho.'"
- B.C. scolding someone on his comp during workshop

"It's not ok to laugh at people!!! Unless they're idiots..."
- T.C.

Not in my presence, but still, WTF?

Douchebag [using another medstudent as prop] : "Ok, R., lean forward. I'm gonna come in closer. No homo though, ha ha ha..."

-This kid in my class talking to an *attending physician* at a medicine meeting, with like, 7 other medstudents present.

Comforting

It doesn't matter whether you're ugly as fuck or ugly as shit. --40 Year Old Virgin