(While mulling over the question "which country planted a flag on the bottom of the ocean under the North Pole this past summer)
Guy in bar: Wow, you would have to hold your breath for a REALLY long time!
(upon learning that the answer was Russia)
Guy in bar: DAMN! I TOLD you the Chinese suck at swimming!
Me: "So, wanna go out sometime?"
Hot guy I was chatting with who I thought was interested: "Well, miracles don't happen every day."
"I love it when a guy has a triangular patch of hair right above the ass. That really turns me on."
- guy at bar.
me (trying to make small talk): you're from montreal? a friend of mine from there says everyone's really well-dressed there.
guy: yeah! especially the women. even when it's 30 degrees outside, they're wearing mini-skirts. waiting in line for clubs, i really feel for them.
me: damn, that's dedication.
guy: i mean, i appreciate it, since they're doing it for us.
me: oh, really? for you men?
guy: totally, i mean, it's not like they're doing it for themselves.
me: maybe they're doing it for other girls, like girls they're dating for instance.
guy: yeah whatever. i'm cool with that lesbian stuff, but if a guy is gay, that's just wrong.
Creepy guy: "What's your name?"
Me: "
CG: "You must have been adopted. Your name is too American for an exotic Asian guy like you."
Later...
CG: "Don't worry, my little Asian friend."
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things people told me this past Saturday at the bar:
One guy: "You have the body of a 10-year-old girl."
hottt.
A woman: "You have an amazing chin. Very theatrical. You should definitely take advantage of that; you should take it to Hollywood. You could really play a vampire."
So apparently I'm the new Bela Lugosi.
Later: "You would look hot with a pompadour."
Actual exchange:
Semi-cute but clearly drunk guy: "Hey there... you're cute... what's your name?"
Me: "[my name]"
guy: "Wow, that's so erotic."
Me: "Um... thanks? Nice to meet you."
guy: "Likewise. You're cute... but robotic."
Me: "?"
guy: "Well, shouldn't you be more graceful? Like, don't you do gymnastics? Like those Chinese acrobats?"
Me: "..." "Um, I have to go now."
guy: "Ok, bye, sexy!"
And yet I go back, week after week.
Weird guy at bar: "So, since you're so short, do people automatically assume that you're a bottom?"
Me: "Ummmmmm... well, no."
Weird guy: "Well, I mean, have you ever seen a chihuahua top a doberman?"
Me: [Silence][thinking to self: Did he just call me a chihuahua?]
Guy at bar: "So, what's your ethnicity?"
Me: "My parents are Taiwan... I'm ethnically Chinese."
GAB: "Oh, I just love Asian decor... My whole house is done with scrolls and bamboo and feng shui arrangements... blah blah blah on and on about his Asian interior design..."
I hesitated at first about posting the following because it might be in poor taste. Then I thought about what I've said and written in the past and realized it's really not that bad.
"I'll give you a thousand dollars if you sit on my face. It's my favorite position."
- Disgusting much-older man hitting on me at the bar last night.
"AHHHHH!!! SCARRED FOR LIFE!!!"
- Me, running away screaming.
A: "Yeah, he totally has an Asian fetish."
B: "Yellow fever!!!"
A: "Definitely."
B:"Oh, but he was into that black girl, too."
A:"Jungle fever!!!"
B:"Is that what it's called?"
A:"Yes!"
B:"OMG, THAT'S SOOOO INAPPROPRIATE!!!"
A:"Haha..."
B:"Oh, he was also into that Jewish girl, too! He has, like, all girl fever."
A: "I think that's called heterosexuality."
