"I'm third in line, so I'm like the Nancy Pelosi of Fusion."
"Well, I talk to other groups, so I'm like Condoleezza Rice."
"So you mean you're a gap-toothed traitor to your race?"

damned arrogant dumbass easterners (no offense)

"wow, i didn't know that you can get a decent sam adams at a bar in michigan...how progressive of them"

-overheard from two clowns leaving a bar near campus

It’s Poland and the rich Jews again.

-- rejection from Knopf to Isaac Bashevis Singer

"This is America, you're right."

--coworker on the phone to an outraged client

More tales from the bar...

Weird guy at bar: "So, since you're so short, do people automatically assume that you're a bottom?"
Me: "Ummmmmm... well, no."
Weird guy: "Well, I mean, have you ever seen a chihuahua top a doberman?"
Me: [Silence][thinking to self: Did he just call me a chihuahua?]

Yes, I read the NYT 'Style' Section.

“For some people who see the pink shirts,” the investment banker, 25, said, “they ostracize, they say it’s uncool. But just because you went to Princeton doesn’t mean you’re a jerk.”

-NYtimes, in an article about a bar in downtown that caters to preppies and their 'breeding'.

Wow, what a douchebag...

Me: "Um, maybe not tonight, but I'm sure I'll see you sometime soon."
Jerk who keeps hitting on me but won't get any because he's a major asshole: "Don't flatter yourself."

either i have razor sharp hearing, or my teachers have lost their senses of tact

i know it's been awhile since i posted. i had accidentally updated my blogger account to gmail and couldn't access the blog.

Histology TF: *sigh* this is so hard
Histology Prof: don't worry, it gets better with time
TF: i just want to go home
Prof: i remember when I was a grad student and I told my professor that I had to teach histology to the med students as a teaching assistant. he said "well...it'll be good for you. it builds character"
*long silence, and then both of them snicker*
then a little while later:
Prof: Oh, shit, I just realized I have to give the same lecture to the dental students. Which means I will have given the same damn lecture 3 times this year.
TF: well, at least you can clarify all the confusing stuff from when you taught these guys *gesturing toward us*

(overheard DURING histology class, while i was re-reading my notes for the day)

God, this explains So Much

Andrew, you're just bitter because I sold your Harley to David
Hasselhoff. --Ren, on a freakin' Roll!

was I being ironic?

A: "So, did you hear, Stephanie G. was, like, totally crying today when our site director sent her to see a patient individually. Little itsy bitsy tears and high pitched mumblings :'butbbbut...'"

B: "Ahhahahahah....that's pathetic! At my site we do individual H&P on the first day."

Me: "Oh please...if it were me, the only muffled crying there is to do is in a corner on the floor, in the bathroom, with no one around. And if I really wanted to let out the pain I'd cut myself just a little bit to make sure I feel alive. Pfftht. Showing weakness in public. What the hell was she thinking?"

B: "Totally."

Color Coding Humor

I never really read the register, but this is pretty funny.

The color of irony
By Lester Haines

Judging by the letters we get, it seems that some Reg readers have trouble distinguishing the serious from the tongue-in-cheek.

This is not to say that they're thick - just that humour does not always successfully cross international boundaries. Let's face it, we smarmy and sarky Brits will throw in a bit of ironic drollery at the drop of a hat. And if you don't get it, well, that's when unfortunate misunderstandings can occur.

To rectify this problem, the Vulture Central Humour Comprehensibility Committee has devised a colour coding system to flag various levels of wit. In future:

• 
  Droll insinuation will be sage green
  
• Mild sarcasm will be burgundy
  
• Smarminess will be ultramarine
  
• Irony will be lavender
  
• Flippancy will be sunflower orange
  
• Biting sarcasm will be pillar box red
  
• Humour liable to cause offence will be in an insipid yellow which you can only read when you highlight it
  

Elly school threepeat

Ms Payne: I'll be right back. (dashes out door)
David (1st grade): Ms. Payne's running in the halls. That's kinda cute when she does that.

Such scorn from a congressional flack!

K: Is there anyone I should address my request to at the Finance Committee?

Committee chair's office: No--their division of labor is pretty interesting over there, so you're better off just addressing it to the office, know what I mean?