Epic pickup line fail

Guy on T, to me: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Guy: Did you go to high school in Malden?
Me: No.
Guy: ...
Me: ...
Guy: Well, you totally look like you did.

Desperation: the best advertising technique

"Come in to eat or we'll both starve"

--text of an advertisement for a local fast-food restaurant

Can't trust historians neither, evidently

(Guy on bus next to me, counting on his fingers, talking to girlfriend): Ya can't trust doctahs, lawyahs, judges, cops, plumbahs, auto repairmen, drivahs, politicians, or teenajahs. Back in 1900, that caused a civil wah. You lissena me, honey, we're gonna have another civil wah.

who remembers this joker?

my cousin had a guinea pig while she was staying with us, many years ago. he pooped on everything, then his ear fell off.

-- vaughn

Good luck with that

Grandma: Katie, I think you ought to move back to Albany. Know why? Because I know lots of nice young people who stayed in Albany, and their parents bought them their own house.

me: So you're saying if I move back to Albany, Mom and Dad will buy me . . . a house?

Grandma: Good, I've convinced you! Now I just need to work on your parents.

Walden? Malden? Whatev.

I'm talkin' 'bout that one guy who lived by the pond in that li'l house, and he di'nt pay no taxes. You know, Ross Perot.

-- overheard at the doctor's office

Baby Ultimatum

Do you hate screaming and crying babies in theaters as much as I do?

So I guess I can ask him what his intentions are over email. --Dad

how to traumatize your brother

Me: " What'd you do tonight?"
Mike: " I watched Shortbus...with my brother."
Me : "Wow...So how'd your brother react when that guy autofellated and came on himself?"
Mike: "We screamed. And my mom walked in."

sounds like a common dilemma

Mike: "I was being bad last night....I got Jackie's boyfriend and another girl's boyfriend to dance with me, and then got them to grind with each other..."
Me: "Sounds...hot. What did Jackie say to you?"
Mike: "She said 'go for it'. She wanted to breakup before graduation anyway."
Me: "Wow. They sound like pretty cool straight guys....they are straight, right?"
Mike: "Well, Jackie doesn't know for sure..."

How to get back at your ex...

"For Christmas, I'm giving you the clap or syphillis. Which would you prefer?"
- my friend from high school referring to these

This goes beyond dog food...

"Sun Jing, the pharmaceutical program officer for the World Health Organization in Beijing, said the health agency sent a fax 'to remind the Chinese government that China should not be selling poisonous products overseas.'"

-NYT investigation into *intentionally* tainted Chinese 'glycerin' diluted with antifreeze that was sold around the world. Antifreeze-laden glycerin was cheaper to produce and boosted profits. The doped glycerin was then used in pharmaceutical products that are responsible for the recent deaths of over 350 people in Panama. 4 other outbreaks of deaths worldwide due to impure glycerin bought from China have been confirmed to date.

I can't make this stuff up...

Dr. M : "In the past there was this Gastroenterologist who made all the med students practice anal exams on each other while he watched....We had to explain to him why that's just not okay anymore...1950's: ok. Today: not okay."

[not me!] Medstudent: "Um...question. Which part? the watching or the doing?"

-at lunch, with the Chief of Internal Medicine at X hospital.

Its name is 'Prudence'

"My mom has absolutely no respect for me and my privacy. A few weeks ago, she wanted to borrow a hat that I gave her a long time ago to keep because I look stupid in it, but she didn't believe me when I said it was in her room. She then decided that it was OK to go into my room and look for it. The second my mom walked through my door, I thought 'I hope she doesn't find my vibrator'. That woman took an ENTIRE HOUR going through every drawer in my room, and then I realized that I should help her out to make sure she avoids That Particular Drawer. So I went into my room and said 'Mom, let me help you out and check these drawers', and she immediately knew something was up. She refused to let me help, and then she opened the drawer to the nightstand next to my bed. She pulled my vibrator out of the drawer and said, "What is this?" Let me remind you that my vibrator doesn't look like an ordinary dildo because it doesn't penetrate. So I took a moment and replied, "A neck massager." "Oh yeah, then, how does it work." So I turned it on, and put it on my neck, and massaged my neck with my own vibrator. I think she knows that it's not a neck massager, but she can't confirm or deny any of her suspicions, so she hasn't brought it up since. I just thought you should know that my mom's hands have been all over my vibrator."

- A friend from home, age 23, telling me how her week had been going

Thank you, that's very clear

In the book of Joel, we learn about a crisis confronting Israel. It was either a locust plague described as a war or a war described as a locust plague.

--my Bible textbook

I had no idea this phrase had caught on!

At least you're not pregnant!

--my boss, to someone who complained about the heat

neocon spawn would abound!

"If Clarence Thomas and Condoleezza Rice were to partner, it is unlikely that Blacks, or any other group, would mark their union as a landmark moment in either Black political progress or social justice."
- author of an article on the political significance of interracial dating that I'm editing at work

honestly

"I was trying to check this woman's cervix this morning, but by accident, I stuck my fingers up her butt."

-not me.

It's not exactly watersports...

"I trust that you guys have had your fill of urine..."

"Really, how does it feel to be steeped in urine?"

--My Population Medicine professor, remarking on our current renalpathophysiology classes.

hanging out as "one of the boys"

i just had a conversation with a friend that went something like this:

friend: i have herpes simplex 1
me: ew, that sucks.
friend: it's karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
me: it said, "hey my name is karma, but you can call me herpes."